As much as I hate to be a killjoy, I might as well break it to you right up front–you most definitely are not going to become a famous author of dirty books.
Why not, you ask? In a nut shell, because there aren’t going to be any more famous authors of dirty books. In fact, the sad truth is, now that we’re being honest with each other, there aren’t going to be any more famous authors of any kind of books. Whatsoever. Period.
Writing is just too damn boring in this digital age to generate any serious attention. There’s way too much candy out there for eyeballs these days and black ink on a page isn’t going to cut it. Besides, no one reads anymore–not even you, admit it!
Oh, yeah, yeah. I know what you’re going to say. There still are some authors out there writing books that are getting all kinds of buzz. You know, like that prince and that soccer dude and that girl who sings really well.
Uh, actually, that’s my whole point. They already are famous for some other thing besides writing a book. So if it so happens that you’re already famous, then, yes, I revise my statement. You can become a famous author of dirty books because all you have to do is write a dirty book. Which is actually pretty stinkin’ easy. Listen up and I’ll tell you how.
How to write a dirty book
Believe it or not, there are just seven basic steps to generating your erotic masterpiece:
- Develop your writing skills. Take writing classes, workshops, and read books on the craft of writing. Practice writing regularly and seek feedback on your work. Yeah, dude, that means actually sitting down and exercising that brain of yours.
- Write a compelling and unique book. Erotic literature is a crowded market, so you’ll need to stand out. Write a story that is different from what’s already out there. And not just a teensy bit different. I mean, blow-your-mind original and fresh.
- Get your book professionally edited. A good editor can help you refine your work, fix grammar and punctuation errors, and make suggestions for improvement. When that good editor tells you to do something, do it!
- Self-publish or find a publisher. If you can’t find a traditional publisher, self-publishing is an option. You’ll have more control over the final product and the marketing process. Or you can try to find a publisher who specializes in erotica, but don’t get too invested in that option–it’s tough.
- Build an author platform. Create a website, social media accounts, and a newsletter to connect with readers and promote your book. You youngsters can do that crap in your sleep, so this one is not a biggie.
- Market your book. Once your book is published, you’ll need to actively promote it. Use social media, book blogs, and online bookstores to reach potential readers. Attend book fairs and conventions, and do book signings and readings. Maybe consider saying something original and provocative too–that always helps.
- Network with other authors and industry professionals. Building relationships with other writers, publishers, and literary agents can open doors for you and help you get your work in front of more readers. Send me an email and I’ll promise to help–not!
Kick back and count your money
Now that you’re a famous author of dirty books, you just need to kick back and count the money that will be pouring into your bank accounts. And of course, from time to time, it’s always a good idea to make a public appearance and say something scandalous.
But in all seriousness, why the hell would you want to be famous anyway? It’s way overrated, IMHO. Much better to be a nobody and avoid the public spotlight. Why be famous for being dirty when you can be dirty in the privacy of your own home? So come on, everyone, let’s get busy!